So you want to open a restaurant?

Accelerated aging; Prepare for days on end of missing your club or your work out if you had one. If you didn’t previously work out then just prepare to age. For the first few years you will not feel comfortable leaving your establishment for even a short period of time. The first few times you try to leave for an hour or two the energy it takes to put out the fires that start while you’re gone will convince you that it is more efficient to just keep working for the first three years. If you survive those first three years you may go to the doctor afterwards with a complaint such as anxiety and your doctor will look at you and with a straight face she will look into your blood shot thirty year old eyes and tell you your blood sugar is way up as well as your cholesterol and blood pressure. That’s when you let loose and explain to her that you couldn’t leave your restaurant for three years in a row. She will sympathize and as you tell her about your sore back, your constipation, your aching teeth, the pressure behind your eyeballs, the fungus rotting in all your finger nails from squeezing lemons, your carpal tunnel syndrome, your cut and swollen fingers, the tension in your neck and shoulders that’s causing numbness in your hands, your premature graying and thinning hair, your sore liver from drinking after work and your tight stomach from running on too much coffee all day she starts writing you prescriptions and three months later you can add battling an addiction to prescription drugs to your list of problems because the restaurant didn’t go away!

Hint; Get a good medical plan. Get life insurance to cover your family in case you have a heart attack. As owner you probably won’t be covered by Workers Compensation or temporary disability insurance so stay healthy and don’t disable yourself by catching your arm in a mixer or cutting off any fingers on the meat slicer.

Hint #2; Be anti-nike as my friend Big Tim says. He and his wife started the Hanalei Gourmet Pub the same time we started The Kilauea Bakery. Anti-nike? “Just don’t do it!”.

Do you want to open a restaurant?

Food is messy. A few lines down on the job description of any food service professional (Chef, cook, grillardin, patissier, baker, etc,) is an item that is often overlooked; Create mountains of dirty pots and spills the size of the Deep Water Horizon oil disaster. Let’s use a story about eggs as an example. Why? Because most of us have probably fumbled one and seen it drop in agonizingly slow motion knowing that it was going to hit with a splat on the kitchen floor.

There once was a young man much like this writer only about 30 years younger. At the time the only thing he was sure of was that surfing was extremely important and if you worked in restaurants you could eat for free. He was employed in an Omelette house. coincidentally the same Omelette house his future wife worked in. But let’s stick to the egg story. With a tranquil and blissful demeanor caused by being submerged in seawater for hours along the California coast our cook would show up for work in the afternoon and put on an apron. Part of his job was to pre-crack the eggs for the next days business. Let’s get past the fact that someone is cracking raw eggs 18 hours before they will be cooked. This was 1975 and the institution in mind is long since bankrupt. Our food service professional obediently set up five cases of eggs on the floor next to him, each case containing 30 dozen of the little cackle-berries. He began cracking them and lining them up on trays in plastic cups. Each time a tray was full he would carefully pick it up and set it in a stack of egg-cup-trays on the floor of the walk-in refrigerator.  He enjoyed the challenge of balancing the thin plastic tray on one hand while opening the heavy walk-in door with the other. Of course he fumbled a few eggs as he worked. Who wouldn’t while handling 1800 individual smooth, delicate objects. He kept a rag or two at his feet and nudged it with his dirty shoe over the broken shells and slime to try and contain spreading goo. Inevitably the floor became slippery. He found crossing the slick floor with a egg laden tray in one hand even more challenging. By and by he managed to get the entire five cases of pre-cracked eggs safely stacked on the floor of the walk-in. The stack was about waist high, a little taller than normal because the following morning was the busiest day of the year, mothers day. As he exited the cooler and let the door close he was proud of his job and considering his next task. Unfortunately as he lifted his leg out of the way of the spring loaded cooler door the toe of his left foot clipped one cup at the bottom of the stack of egg-cup-trays. Like a slow motion movie in which a parking garage is leveled by dynamite the tower of eggs began to fall. Quickly calculating that the liquid volume of eggs exceeded the capacity of the refrigerator floor he slammed the door shut. There was a brief moment where he felt obligated to begin a large scale clean-up operation, but it passed. He looked around the kitchen wondering if there was a witness then casually moved on to the next order of business, pre-cooking fifty pounds of slimy bacon.

So you want to open a restaurant?

Spoilage. In most public arenas an independent restaurateur is considered a creative purveyor of artistic food presentations and service. In a more pragmatic perspective, say that of a banker, a restaurateur participates in the business of manufacturing. As a food manufacturer one starts with raw materials, literally, combines them and manipulates until the become a new product. The product is then sold for a value added price. One unique thing about the restaurant business as a part of the manufacturing industry is the instability of the raw material. A manufacturer of furniture has few problems keeping his wood stock stable, a tool factory watches it’s steel resource decay in terms of centuries.

The inventory in your restaurant, quite often hundreds of different items, begin to deteriorate the minute they are received at the back door. Dairy products or produce last only a few days. A restaurant has storage issues like no other. Fresh food has to be stored between zero and 39 degrees. Packaged food needs a dry, dark and cool environment. Even then it is in a constant state of degradation. Refrigerator compressors seem to die when you need them most, like on the hottest summer days. If you’re lucky enough not to have to sweat out the loss of a walk-in full of lobster and shellfish you will still have to pare down and throw away significant portions of your inventory before your final product can be served. For example most of your fresh vegetables will have to be peeled and trimmed and that lobster will have to have half it’s weight, the body and shell, taken off before you can sell the tail. Your inventory, instead of just being put on a shelf will be subject to refrigeration, rotation, over supply, under supply, spoilage and preparation waste problems. Let’s say you bought a case of zucchini or spinach because it’s half price if bought in bulk. You buy it and as you use some up in your quiches and souffle’s you watch the remainder get slimy or wilt. You’re commitment to quality is tested daily. At which point is the inventory item not fresh? At which point is it too slimy or wilted? Will customers know why you are suddenly selling lots of zucchini bread? How long can a finished product, for instance a nice trimmed New York Steak or a delicate Berry tart, stay at it’s point of optimum attractiveness, flavor and temperature? From the moment it is finished and ready to serve it begins to degrade. If you can’t get it served just after it is finished your customer will be experiencing your product in a diminished state. Business is fickle. Customers arrive late, they tell long stories that can’t be interrupted, they go to the bathroom just at the wrong time. Let’s face it, one way or another most of the products you “manufacture” will be past their optimum state once finally consumed. Heck if you’re honest you should just open a factory seconds outlet or a second hand store! Instead of being served or picked up on time the food you serve will most likely be cooling down or warming up. It will be wilting or losing color or aging.  Prepare for this, no other manufacturing or retail business has that kind of temporary product.

 

 

So you want to open a restaurant?

The customer that can’t be satisfied. You will be able to satisfy some of the customers some of the time. It is as certain that a few of your customers will be left unsatisfied. You will work to get your employees to work on time, you will polish the glass, arrange your products and test the temperature of your soup. You will make sure your floor is spotless and the tables are squarely set with chairs lined up in front of them yet on some mornings the first customer through the door will be someone who’s self identity is wrapped around the sentiment that nothing they could buy or experience in you establishment is good enough for them.

It may be a genetic thing, like red hair or left handedness, a set of people who are determined to always want what they can’t get.  “Do any of these pastries come without sugar? Which of these don’t have eggs, butter or wheat flour? There will be people who walk into a bakery, a business founded on dairy products and variations of the wheat grain and ask for dairy free, lactose free, gluten free pastry. When you cheerfully point out the platter of selections without any of those offensive ingredients one day there will be that customer that says, “Don’t you have any of those gluten free muffins with…. anchovies?

Hint; Just say ” No problem, we can have that for you tomorrow if you pre-pay today.”

So you want to open a restaurant?

Early pattern baldness, even if you’re a woman.

Prepare for days on end of missing your club or your work-out if you had one. If you didn’t previously exercise then just prepare to age fast. For the first few years you will not feel comfortable leaving your establishment for even a short period of time. The first few times you try to leave for an hour or two the energy it takes to put out the fires that start while you’re gone will convince you that it is more prudent to just stay at work for the first three years. If you survive those first three years you may go to the doctor at some point afterward for a complaint such as general overall pain. Your doctor will look at you and with a straight face she will look into your blood shot thirty year old eyes and tell you your blood sugar is way up as well as your cholesterol and blood pressure. That’s when you let loose and explain to her that you couldn’t leave your restaurant for three years straight. She will sympathize and as you let it all out and tell her about your sore back, your constipation, your aching teeth, the pressure behind your eyeballs, the fungus rotting in all your finger nails from squeezing lemons, your carpal tunnel syndrome, your cut and swollen fingers, the tension in your neck and shoulders that’s causing numbness in your hands, your premature graying and thinning hair, your sore liver from drinking after work and your tight stomach from running on too much coffee all day she starts writing you prescriptions and three months later you can add battling an addiction to prescription drugs to your list of problems. Because the restaurant won’t go away!

Hint; Get a good medical plan. Get life insurance to cover your family in case you have a heart attack. As owner you probably won’t be covered by Workers Compensation or temporary disability insurance so stay healthy and don’t disable yourself by catching your arm in a mixer or cutting off any fingers on the meat slicer.

So you want to open a Restaurant?

Sleeplessness. Just because you close the restaurant late at night doesn’t mean your day is over. Employees will call you in the middle of the night and tell you crazy lies like “I can’t make it to work tomorrow. I was at a bus stop in Honolulu on my way to see my mother who is in the hospital. Suddenly a truck careened into the bus stop, I lunged to push an old woman out of the way of the truck. I saved her but was hit myself and now I’m in the hospital too. It was terrible.” (true story) Customers will call you at all hours to tell you what you should do. Just as you are drifting off to sleep the phone will ring. You don’t want to miss the call because is could be someone calling in sick. Or not. It just might be a customer suggesting you make that kind of crust that has cheese inside it just like Pizza Hut’s. Try to respond politely before hanging up.

Sleep will be something you get when you can. You will find yourself napping in places you never used to consider relaxing. Falling asleep in the dentist’s chair for example, while the dentist is drilling your teeth. You will fall asleep in places where no one can bother you. You may learn to love sitting on Airplanes. They make you turn off your phone, offer you drinks and give you a big chair to sleep in for hours and hours…

Query; If the phone rings and you don’t answer it did anyone call?

So you want to open a restaurant?

Anxiety. If you open a restaurant expect at some point a good dose of anxiety, that feeling of dread and impending doom. It could be a sign that you are doing something unusual and new or it could be a sign that you are doing something very wrong and fiscally dangerous. It is a warning from the brain to proceed slowly and thoughtfully. In regard to stepping into the unknown of owning a business anxiety attacks only happen during that intense phase just before opening. Once you are open and there is no hope of turning back, trust me, you will be too busy to have an anxiety attack. Compared to skydiving or tow-in surfing the duration of your anxiety can be rather long. Once you start withdrawing money and preparing to open a wide range of variables will cause delays.

You may find yourself doing strange things like sleeping in the bathtub or drinking tequila for breakfast. But let’s save that for the paragraph on the high probability of self medication among restaurateurs.

Our Menu

A well laid out menu makes a list of items pleasing to read. Unfortunately this blogger hasn’t figured out how to craft a proper menu in this forum. Therefore, behold a rather dry accounting of our offerings. In the pastry/bakery area keep in mind there are forty or so delicious varieties and personal creations under headings such as Tropical Danish, Specialty cakes or Chilled pasties that for proper justice need to be seen first hand.

Espresso Bar
cappuccino
Latte’
Mocha
Big Train Chai

Coffee options
Organic Steamed Milk or Organic Soy Milk.
Syrups; Vanilla, Caramel, Hazelnut, Macadamia nut,
Amoretto, Sugar free Vanilla, Coconut and Irish Cream

Pastries and Desserts
Danish pastry
Cinnamon Rolls
Sticky Buns
Muffins & Cookies
Scones
Croissant
Coconut Creme filled Eclairs
Specialty & Birthday Cakes
Bread Pudding
Fruit Pies & Nut Pies
and more…

Pau Hana Lunch
Grilled Panini Sandwich of the day
Calzone- choice of three items
Slice & Salad
Cheese Slice
Three meat combo Slice
Chef’s Veggie Slice

Soups; Four fresh, hot & hearty soups a day from over 100 of our recipes.
Bowl of Soup
Cup of Soup
Full Salad
Quart Soup To go

Bagel Menu
Onion, All Seed, Poppy,
Sesame, Seaweed, Garlic Parmesan,
Cinnamon raisin, Fresh Herb and more.

Bialys
Artichoke Gorgonzola,
Black Olive, Sun Dried Tomato Pesto, or Basil Pesto

Spreads
Salmon Cream Cheese
Hummus
Olive Tapenade
sun-dried Tomato Pesto

Smoothies and Icy Coffee Drinks
1.Green Jade; Mango, banana, apple juice,
fresh ginger and Spirulina.
2. Banana Nut; Banana, coconut, mango and soy milk
3. Berrylicious Blend; Blueberry, strawberry, banana,
lilikoi, guava and mango
4. Strawberry Guava; Strawberry, pineapple, papaya
and guava
5. Lilikoi-lemonade

Vanilla Latte’
Caramel Latte’
Coconut Mocha
Macnut Mocha
Spicy & Vanilla Chai
Chocolate Chai
Chai Buzz

Traditional Pizza

Includes garlic infused olive oil, Mozzarella cheese, homemade sauce, and our own semolina crust. Feel free to specify how you like your pizza.

Ingredients;

Fresh Vegetables; Green Pepper • Mushroom, Pineapple • Sliced Tomato, Zucchini • Garlic • Spinach

Seafood; Anchovy • Shrimp, Pau Hana Smoked Ono

Assorted Cheeses; Kilauea Goat • Gorgonzola, Feta • Grated Parmesan, Asiago • Tofurella

Meats; Pepperoni • Home cured & smoked Ham, Homemade Italian Sausage, Organic marinated Chicken

Specially Prepared Veg­e­ta­bles; Roasted Onion • Roasted Red Pepper, Sun-dried Tomato • House Marinated Artichokes • Chipotle Pepper, Kalamata Olive • Black Olive • Capers, Basil Pesto • Sun-dried Tomato Pesto

House Specialty Pizzas;

Billie Holliday; Smoked Ono, spinach, roasted onions, Gorgonzola rosemary sauce and Mozzarella cheese.

Island Stylin’; Smoked ham, fresh pineapple, chipotle peppers, garlic, and Moz­za­rel­la cheese.

Provencal; Sun-dried tomato, garlic, basil pesto, roasted onion, Moz­za­rel­la and Asiago cheeses.

Pomodoro; Fresh tomatoes with Kilauea goat cheese, house marinated artichokes, black olives and Mozzarella cheese.

Pesto Mystic; Basil pesto, sun-dried tomato pesto, fresh mushroom, roasted onion and Mozzarella cheese.

Veggie Deluxe; Mushroom, green pepper, garlic, onion, olive, tomato and Moz­za­rel­la cheese, or soy cheese.

Classic Scampi; Shrimp, tomato, roasted garlic, capers, squeeze of lemon, Asiago and Mozzarella cheeses.

Big Meat Com­bo; Smoked ham, Pepperoni, Italian sausage, roasted onion, pizza sauce and Moz­za­rel­la cheese.

Big Blue; Our Smoked Ono, tomatoes, capers, garlic, parsley and Moz­za­rel­la cheese.

Barbecued Chicken; barbecued chicken thighs, roasted onions, roasted red peppers, mushrooms and Mozzarella cheese.

In witch we hire our first helper

“Hello, anybody here?” The gory jam container slipped from my hands back to a warm sea of soapy water. It would have to wait patiently for Search and Rescue to return from this new priority. The bell had let me down. Strangely a lady had gotten a sound. Leaning over the counter was a woman of middle age with shoulder length black hair and a smile forced through wrinkles. Patting my hands dry I stepped up front. She wanted to order a cake. I asked if she wished for a salutation to be included? She said, well it’s for me so I guess you can write “Happy Birthday Vanessa”. I thought, how poignant, a lonely woman in her fifty’s ordering her own cake.

Something about her reminded me of my recently departed mother. I hadn’t let on but at that time of my life I felt like the little lost chick in the children’s story who wattles up to cows and trucks and asked “Are you my mother?” We talked a little. She mentioned she was looking for a job. I paused for a second to appear as if I was deeply considering many factors and then hired her. I thought, a woman who smiles would be just right for working on the counter. Then I could get back to the adventure in the pot sink.

Here’s a helpful hint for you future employers. Use more criteria for hiring than the fact that your applicant reminds you of your dearly departed mother. Upon closer inspection Vanessa’s hair was black as a raven’s. Her laugh was more a cackle. Around her neck hung a little leather pouch full of mysterious sticks and seeds. She claimed to be part of a family but it looked like she’d abandoned it and fled here. Her lineage was a stew of German, Spanish, Gypsy and Cherokee Indian. Her bumper sticker philosophy, “Fighter pilots don’t have rear view mirrors.” seemed to apply to every situation including customer service situations.

Within days I watched Vanessa turn from an eager employee to The Boss of the Counter. She assumed command. She took control of the customers and the telephone. She took control of the indoor plants. The atmosphere was permeated with her presence. I thought my concerns might just be a micro-management issue and nervously let her go with it. After all she was working hard and taking a lot off my hands.  A few friends suggested tactfully that something was very wrong. She’s surly they said, her smile was strange even spiteful.

I dealt with it by focusing on my pastries and sweeping the floor a lot. As luck would have it July was a perfect time for starting a business in Hawaii. In case you ever have the whim to do this yourself, pay attention. Be ready to open a few weeks before the busiest month of the year. The act of creating your establishment; getting the lease, buying the ovens, selecting the silverware, the chairs and those cute little baskets to hold the paper plates will leave you financially, emotionally and physically depleted. Emotional and physical exhaustion will become a new way of life for you. However if you open just before the busiest month of the year and if you don’t do something stupid like poison your first customers with Salmonella or scare them off with alcoholic rants you may be able to get your cash flow going. I said “cash flow” not “income”.

On July 3^rd we were seven hundred dollars over drawn in our new checking account. We funded our opening inventory using a credit card. With nothing left we were a little nervous about operating capital. We went to our friendly bank to ask for a loan. Bank managers here resemble most bankers back in “America”. Serious looking trimmed men or women with calculated smiles. I had this feeling of certainty though that our bank manager had a sense of humor and that he would have a good laugh after we left. I could just see his lips moving through the window as we walked away. “Cut a loan to a new restaurant? Haaaa!” We had no choice but to establish and prove cash flow the first month.

Curse Katie. If she hadn’t done such a good job with all the receipts, forms, statements and money I stuffed in a bag at the end of everyday we may have failed and I would have reached my Gestalt moment with ten or twenty fewer years of suffering. I may have cracked in the first few months. My resolve to force life and make things happen might have fallen apart and I could have optimized the progress of my psychological evolution. I could have crossed the street and sat with the boys of the “Kilauea Social Club”. Sat in the shade and let life just happen instead of trying to push it around with the futile arrogance of the Army corps of engineers on a flood control project.

I dutifully rolled Danish, mixed bread and served coffee with Vanessa through July and August. While we slowly lured in our shy and cautious local neighbors the tourists herded in from the first day. “Good morning what can I do for you?” “Better get a box for this, I’ll have six of those rolls there, and six of those donuts there, (Those are buttery Danish pastries sir), and gimme’ six cups of regular coffee. That’s not that exx-presso is it?”  “No sir it’s organically grown, freshly ground, Guatemalan, whole bean, regular coffee. It’s drip brewed by the cup through an unbleached paper filter with purified water.”

“Whatever, six larges”  “Thank you sir, good job.”  By the end of the summer Katie was happily depositing receipts from sales and writing checks for our expenses at an exactly even rate. If nothing major broke down and we could avoid unexpected expenses we might be able meet our obligations.

If nothing major broke down? What about me? I lay in bed one night and counted the possible hours left before the muffins had to be scooped and the French bread mixed. 2:00 am comes quickly when a little sleep is all that bridges the gap between exhaustion and the forced march awaiting the next work day.

I crawled into a comfortable position, a pillow under the knees to take the tension off taught lumbar muscles, one under the neck to relieve shoulder tension. I lay a t-shirt over my eyes, put earplugs in to muffle the barking dogs next door and threw Katie’s pillow over my chest just to top off the feeling that I’m buried and will never have to rise again.

The body was ready but the mind wouldn’t bed down. What if I can’t relax? Valuable minutes of possible sleep slip off the clock. If I don’t fall asleep it’ll be worse tomorrow. I could try napping but our two girls in diapers need attention, Katie needs a break, the house is a mess and the dishes are piling up! I’ve never had a problem sleeping. If I can’t drift off I’ll become so tired I won’t be able to work. I won’t be able to open and I will fail. I’ll have let Katie down. We’ll go bankrupt. We’ll lose it all if I can’t get to sleep in the next hour!

Just a little sleep is all I needed. Breaking into a sweat my eyes clack open and peek from under the t-shirt. 9:45 pm. This isn’t working. Making a hunched and untidy shuffle into the kitchen I pour a glass of wine. After that a cookie and some hot tea. Shaking with fatigue I sit down on the couch in front of the TV with Katie. Over come with anxiety I look at her, hopefully. Maybe sex? “Not tonight honey, I just got the kids down”. She pats me on the knee, “It’s ok, everything will be all right”. Something in the glow and movement of the TV screen seems to slowly unlock my caring. I begin to unwind. Finally around 11:00 my eyes start to droop. Considering there are only two and a half more hours until the alarm rings I call it a nap. I promise myself I’ll pay the sleep debt later and drift off to bed.

The next night is worse. After dinner I shower and slip into bed making the same valiant attempt at falling asleep. I sense immediately I’m setting myself up for hours of staring at the ceiling. A depleted body has to recover a little before it can rest. I throw the covers off and march to the TV couch. Upon the first signs of heavy eyelids I head for bed but once there all I can think about is the hour hand’s relentless march around the dial and worst-case scenarios. I try a hot bath. This relaxes me and I eventually fall asleep there, waking in tepid water. I drag myself up, towel off and glance at the time. It’s so close to work I dress and start some coffee.

I thought I was falling apart. I’d never felt this kind of doubt and anxiety before. I called the local hospital. I got a Psychiatrist, “I can call in a prescription for a few nights of sleeping pills or you can come in and we’ll talk.” I opted for the visit.

Passing through the first of two locked steel doors I wondered if I should have just accepted the prescription. A genial older woman in a nurse’s uniform coaxed me inside and sat me down in a chair to wait. Little puzzles on the table kept my hands busy. The doctor had to finish with a patient down the hall. The green linoleum tile floor was aged but highly polished and lined with doorways to small, spare rooms. Rusted metal screens covered windows looking out over an empty yard and obsolete cameras were mounted in the upper corners. A large male nurse escorted an angry looking adolescent boy into the common room; they stopped next to a couple that appeared uncomfortable with each other and their surroundings. I assumed a troubled son and messed up parents, or a messed up son meeting troubled parents.

The good doctor approached as I was giving up on the simplest of math puzzles. We made introductions. In a shaky voice I unloaded the visions of failure and self doubt that had infected me for the first time in my life. My doing strange things like curling up in a warm bath to go to sleep. He politely let me finish, wrote a prescription for a week’s worth of sleep medication and told me with that confidence only a Doctor can convey that it was probably all I needed. Before I could leave two matronly Hawaiian women in nurse’s uniforms offered me some of their boxed lunches. They were caring people warming cold facilities. Part of me wanted to stay. That evening after dinner and a sleeping pill for dessert I suddenly loved everything and everybody. I hugged my wife and children, I hugged the refrigerator and drifted down the hallway to curl up in bed and fall into a warm sleep.

An innocent impressed into service.

Offering someone a job in a risky business far from home with no guaranty of success can be tricky. Location was our strong point. Hawaii calls for most people living above the twenty-fifth parallel. Never mind that rent and food alone eat up most of every paycheck. Getting Dave to visit, getting his feet onto the beach of this fair shore gave us our best chance of hooking him and yanking him into our little boat. One impassioned and overly enthusiastic call and he agreed to a visit.

His plane set down on the runway in February, 92’. He’d left Santa Cruz in dismal winter weather. Taking off from SFO the ocean below him slowly shifted from muddy shades of green to deeper blue as he rocketed closer to the islands. He landed in warm weather under sunny skies. In those days, before Jet-way tunnels were installed on Kauai the effect of arriving in paradise was romantic. The graceful young flight attendant in her floral uniform opened the hatch and you walked down a metal staircase directly into a blast of bright tropical sunlight and the moisturizing humidity of paradise. Dave emerged at the top of the stairs with a smile; he may have already had a Mai Tai. He crossed the tarmac to the breezy open air terminal of Kauai’s inter-island airport. We draped him with orchid leis and hugs then directed him to our version of limousine service.

We proudly drove a dull blue 67’ Plymouth Valiant. The best car 150 bucks could buy. It was decorated specifically for arriving visitors. We had glued a sandy beach to the dash including a few shells and a rubber shark and spray painted Aloha Limo across the doors. A cup and a pair of rubber slippers were permanently forgotten on the roof just over the driver’s door, held there by glue. Concerned citizens gestured wildly as we drove off into our two-week recruiting effort.

The quality of the sand at Pilaa is like flax seed. It is shiny, smooth and sensually soothing to the touch after the mid-morning sunshine warms it. Dave was laminated there. He lifted his head to slide a sandy forearm under his chin, coral grains stuck to his cheek. Behind him the infinite mass of the Pacific gently surged under early beams of light. He had dozed off and it wasn’t even noon. “I could get used to this” he said. My spot had lost its optimum temperature. I rolled across the soft incline. After the waves break on the outer reef they ripple in over shallow coral beds and sluice onto shore. The sluicing affect leaves thin patches of sand with the perfect aggregate. The highest grade flax. I rolled to a nice spot to warm my skin after our dive. The swim fins and masks lay half buried next to my spear and a shimmering blue-green fish that would soon be lunch.

The Latitude was having the desired effect on Dave and the three of us were having fun being together. After I finished baking and Dave woke up we would go find a new beach to play at each day. We cooked brightly colored dinners and filled the kitchen with conversation. We plotted dream restaurants or the next morning’s location for our ocean entry. Finally with the warmth of the sun baking him to a light brown Dave began to ask questions relevant to someone planning a move. He committed to a year’s sabbatical from Santa Cruz in order to help us open the evening half of our operation, Pau Hana Pizza. By April he was back to the island with several boxes of Bachelor packing. Important tools of the trade like a Tennis racket, Surfboard, dive gear, swim suits etc. He set up camp in the living room and began looking for a decent rental.

You are one of us now.

So you want the recipe for those Cookies? How do we make that Organic Turkey soup with wild rice and mushrooms so rich? We’ll get to those secrets soon enough but first we’ve got to interview you and get you trained.

You’re one of us now.

The interview

Aloha, how nice to meet you! We’re happy you want to enter into a relationship with us at the Kilauea Bakery. In your case we will be filling the kitchen slave position. Sorry, you’ve got to start at the bottom like everyone else. Let’s begin; Do you have a pulse? Do you have a phone number? A car? Do you live in your car? No? Excellent. Any experience in the kitchen? Yes? How much? We’re hoping for a little but not too much. That’s the kind of experience we need. If it’s actual professional commercial kitchen experience and you actually know something then we may have a problem. We can’t use you. Demographically that puts you into the slot of someone who will only put up with us for as long as it takes you to get a better paying and more prestigious job at a nearby resort hotel. You people don’t take us seriously. It’s as if we’re a small no account Pizza joint. Why is a Bakery or Pizza shop any less respectable than a “fine” dinner restaurant? Maybe it’s the white chef coat or the air conditioning. Air conditioning…  wouldn’t that be refreshing.

Oh, you like the concept of cooking? You don’t have any commercial kitchen experience but you bake a lot at home? You’ve been a customer for years and it always looked like it’d be fun to work here? Did you just say you’ve just left a well paying professional career and now you need to stay active and would love to work with people? We’re sorry for taking up your time. Thanks for coming in but this just won’t work out between us.

Wait, I see from your application that you’re young and new to the island and have some work experience at Starbucks. Hmmm, you’re not too big to squeeze around in this pathetically crowded kitchen. Not too short to reach heavy things on the high shelves. You appear strong and energetic, good teeth and healthy… enough. No scabs, good color, hair needs to be tied back. We can’t do much about the tattoos and tongue stud but that’s what they’re wearing these days. You live in a house and not on the beach? Good, because we only hire the homeless after hurricanes. You seem able to put words and thoughts together quickly and have a generally sunny disposition. Maybe we can use you.

How long do you plan to live here on Kauai? You just moved here with your best friend and you’re going to stay forever? They all say that. Well, we’ll try you out. By my estimate you’re good for the average six months to a year if you can keep it together. If you can pay the rent, if you can keep your car running and get here on time, if you don’t hike into the Kalalau valley never to return. Camping there with the other neo-natives and naked survivalists can be habit forming.

Can you start today?

To be continued…

But first the training.

But you have no experience in the kitchen? Oh my god, are we starting from scratch? Can you hold a knife in one hand without cutting the other? Do you smoke? Are your hands clean? If you smoke add up the accumulated time you spend leaving the kitchen, smoking in the designated smoking area, coming back inside, washing your hands and eventually getting back to work. Deduct that time from your regular thirty-minute break. Do you have any music? Bring it with you because if we have to spend another day with our old tunes we’re going to have a mutiny.

You’re hot? There are no more electrical outlets left to plug fans in.  We’ve cut holes and added windows to as many walls as possible. So you’re just going to have to deal with the heat. Wear thinner clothing. Now sit down and read this, come back in half an hour and we’ll get to work.

To be continued…

First the training

Kilauea Bakery Policies

1. Be aware of where your hands are at all times. Few people do this. Everything we prepare is put into someone’s mouth. Wash your hands often during your shift, especially between transitions. For instance between petting your dog and cooking one of our fine soups. Keep your nails clean, tie your hair back, keep from habitually touching your eyes, ears, nose, mouth and face. Keep your hands above your waist and below your neckline. Wipe and clean with sanitized towels often.

2. Arrive at work combed, shaven, neat, cleanly dressed, and deodorized. If you’re the type who needs a little deodorant please don’t make us remind you to use it. It’s not that we won’t, it’s just that the suggestion will create an awkward situation for the both of us.

3. Please dress appropriately.  No midriffs, arm-pit hair, or navels exposed. Skirts and shorts should be long enough to allow for bending over without exposing yourself. This is a family joint we nurture dietary appetites not sexual ones.

4. Cook while straight and awake. Not stoned, buzzed or drunk. In the readers case, you are of course in the privacy of your own home. Just don’t cut yourself.

5. Work safely; be sure your mind is on the task at hand when you are handling knives or any of the kitchen tools. Beware of distractions, concentrate. No cuts, no burns, no errors!

6. Manage yourself. Don’t be a safety lawnmower, you know the kind, every time the driver lets go of the handle the motor dies. Keep yourself busy. Feel free to talk and tell stories, if you can move your hands and your lips at the same time. If you have to stop working in order to tell a story you might make a good committee member, politician or construction worker but not a cook for the Kilauea Bakery.

Training; le Methode

Risky Cookery

Do you ever attempt to recreate complicated recipes with only a quick glance into the cookbook?

Do you ever think you can make something turn out even though you’ve made substitutions for most of the original ingredients. Do you think that your hands are accurate measuring devises?
Do you ever sometimes have to say you’re sorry as you serve your food?
Or do you ever fake it when you’re not quite sure what you’re doing in the kitchen?
If so, don’t let it bother you. Whether you know it or not, you are a practitioner of an exciting, zesty, adventurous style of cooking! Here in Kilauea, we call it “Risky Cookery”. If you answered yes to any of the questions above, even if you wish you had answered yes, come and join the team! Welcome aboard as a new member of Team Risky. Coupled with a grasp of basic cooking skills, you will be expected to cook and eat with the best of them on the gourmet circuit.
Now get risky! Bon Appetite!

We cook 34,000 bowls of soup a year. The pastries, breads, soups and pizza’s we serve are not just comforting to eat and enjoy. They are comforting to prepare, to cut and mix, cook and knead. Soup is good. It allows for creativity. It can be as challenging and enjoyable as the energy you put into it. I may never tire of starting a soup by grabbing a favorite knife, setting out vegetables on a wooden cutting board and cutting them up. (Beginners please keep band-aids available)

Gorgonzola Dressing, an actual recipe.

But first two things. They say I shouldn’t give my recipes away. Am I afraid someone will take them and go open their own place? Refer to the “Humor/Tragedy” thread. I figure if someone thinks it’s the recipes that make a restaurant they can take these, rent a building and get started. Hoarding them would also be a mistake karmically as well. Let he who has never hijacked a recipe withhold his own.

The real reason I’ve avoided the actual recipes is the work involved converting them faithfully to cups and teaspoons, or parts, or percentages. You’re going to have reduce our working formulas. I suggest converting by ratio. Look for that new book out called “Ratios; The simple codes behind the craft of everyday cooking”, it will help. For instance this dressing is 2 to 1 (mayo to milk). Want three cups of dressing? Start with 2 cups mayo and 1 cup milk.

Method; See the dashes between the numbers in the recipe? That’s how we illustrate pounds and ounces. If the dash is on the left of a number it refers to ounces. If the dash is on the right, pounds. 10-8? Ten pounds, eight ounces.

This recipe makes  about 28 pounds or 3 1/2 Gallons. Notice the instructions for putting lemon juice in the milk. Adding lemon juice to the milk sours it. It’s a quick substitute for buttermilk when baking. You’re thinking “Why don’t you just order buttermilk?” Sorry with 60 quarts 1/2 & 1/2, 100 pounds of butter, 45 gallons of milk and 120 dozen eggs on the shelf in the cooler each week there’s no room for buttermilk.

Measure out your ingredients. 2 cups mayo, 1 cup soured milk, a few good pinches of salt and herbs, slightly less pepper, a bit of garlic (minced and cooked slightly in oil or butter.) and a good chunk of Gorgonzola cheese. Blend it, chill it and serve. This dressing is my best effort at reconstructing our family’s favorite dressing from the pizza parlor in the town where I grew up, Biagio’s. Now it’s everyones favorite here in Kilauea.

This recipe is now yours to hijack. Feel like using buttermilk? Buy a quart, drink 2/3′s of it. Put a cup in your dressing instead of soured milk. It may turn out tasting better. It may also turn into something the consistency of  thick mud. If it does you’ve just joined our team. Team Risky Cookery. Try adding milk to thin it, then more seasoning to balance the flavor, etc. etc. Soon, I think technically it’s after the recipe has changed by 15%, you will be able to call it your own creation!

Gorgonzola Dressing
 Mayonnaise                        16-
Gorgonzola cheese            3-12
garlic                                       -8
Italian seasoning               4 Tbl
salt                                         4 Tbl
pepper                                    4 tsp
milk/lemon                           1 Gl      (with 3 Tbl lemon juice per quart)

Training; get your mess in place.

The Gear

Before you can cook something you must first prepare it by assembling, measuring and cutting the ingredients. In the case of soup begin with a cutting board, a knife, a heavy cast iron pot, a wooden spoon and an onion.

Guys if you’re new to cooking look at it this way. There’s a gear element to cooking that makes it very much a guy thing. I just said get a knife and cutting board. Here’s the opportunity to purchase and handle a lethally sharp instrument. Get a really good knife. Get the best possible knife for the job. If you really get involved with cooking soon you will need a whole kit of knives. It’s kind of like having a set of sockets or open-end wrenches, one for each job. You may be thrilled to find out that some Chefs keep their knives in real toolboxes.

For most kitchen work we prefer 10” inch utility chef knives with a stainless steel blade and a clean white polycarbonate handle. The brand is Dexter-Russell. Our choice of knife is not the common choice of most “gourmet” cooks. Most cooks with the money purchase fancy knives with triple riveted hardwood handles and hardened steel blades. The objection to this style is that they seem to get dull about as fast as any other knife yet they are annoyingly difficult to sharpen. In addition the steel is brittle, it chips and breaks easily and they often cost three times the price of a good utility grade Dexter-Russell knife.

Search for just the right cutting board. In a craft as simple as food preparation with only two or three key pieces of gear they should feel good to work with. We prefer a cutting board to be large in surface area but not in thickness, 24” square by ½’ thick and made of hardwood. Where is the satisfaction of paring a good chef knife through an onion and connecting with a rattling piece of plastic, nylon or Formica? Get a board with enough surface area on it so that you can cut and stack your food in little piles, like paint on a pallet. This way, when you’re ready to start cooking, you can hold the board over your pot and drop the ingredients into the hot pan in an orderly manner with the flick of that cool chef knife.

As for the soup pot I recommend finding a thick-bottomed six-quart, cast iron pot with a heavy lid. At home I use a cast iron “Dutch Oven” called the Drip Drop Baster. It comes down from my mother. If inanimate objects can have soul this is the soul of our kitchen. Cast iron cookware absorbs flavor, history and I feel it holds generations of love that have been cooked into it. For generations we have cooked food in it to heal the common cold and sooth stressed lives. It has frequently been carried, full of steaming soup, into homes as a source of comfort in tough times.

How we do soup.

Kilauea Bakery Soup Guidelines

1. All soups will be hearty, filling and substantial, even clear soups.

2. We don’t do delicate soups. Not that you shouldn’t and the following methods will apply if you want to try a Consommé’ or a Gazpacho. It’s just that we consider Consommé’ closer to a tea and Gazpacho to be incorrectly classified, it’s either a salsa or a smoothie depending on whether you prefer vegetables or fruits.

3.  Bakers use formulas and measure everything. Cooks us recipes and recipes are merely guidelines.

4. Most people decide to eat a menu item with their sense of sight, smell and taste, in that order. If it doesn’t look and smell good it won’t be acceptable even if it tastes great. We serve four soups a day, mixing texture, color, flavor, cultural orientation and dietary preference, (with or without dairy, vegetarian, vegan, etc.) in order to please as many people as possible.

5. Quality ingredients make quality meals. For example if you plan on eating a raw foods dinner and leave out any kind of smooth lip smacking fat you pretty much will get what you deserve.

6. Quality ingredients make quality meals, how much time and propane do you have? Homemade soup stock is far superior to using a quality soup stock base. Don’t waste any bones, peelings or roasting juices boil them with water and make chicken, beef, fish, seafood or vegetable soup stock. In the event you don’t have the time and energy for making your stock use a quality bullion concentrate, prepared stock or powdered soup base. The difference between using water and stock for the liquid ingredient in soup is… wateriness. A stock has an infusion of protein, sugars and seasoning ingredients that add depth to a soups. It adds a complex background to the individual ingredients. That background can be developed adequately with hydrolyzed vegetable proteins, sugars and seasonings. That’s why you see recipes with ingredients like; Soy sauce, Miso, Worcestershire sauce, A-1 steak sauce, caramelized onions and Chicken, beef or vegetable bullion. Find a good vegetable based soup stock powder in a health food store or use one of the above substitutions where appropriate. Avoid MSG and too much salt.

Denial is for wet Egyptians

If you’re going to cook a Vegetarian style soup make it vegan. Make it gluten free and dairy free but lets try to at least make it seem rich, thick and savory. Our experience tells us that vegan and Vegetarian eaters still crave the perception of rich, oily or sweet foods even if they don’t contain animal fats or sucrose. From the opposite tack, if you’re making a meaty soup don’t mess around, saute’ in butter, finish with cream, thicken with roux and put enough meat in it to leave no doubt as to it’s identity.

Crisp, fresh soup; An oxymoron
Soup is an infusion of various foods that produce a deep, warming and comforting flavor. It is often described as better the second day. Yet be careful not to cook it to death. Preserve ample amounts of color and texture. Colors of vegetables fade, pasta and potatoes get mushy and dissolve and dairy products like milk, cream or cheese can break and separate when cooked too long. We have a few tricks for keeping soup from getting over cooked.

A. Soup is done when it’s done and not a minute longer. When the beans or pasta are soft, when the rice or barley are tender the soup is done. This way it can be reheated and become richer instead of overcooked.

B. Pasta, rice and grains can be cooked separately and added to the soup after the soup is finished boiling. This prevents the vegetables from over cooking while you wait for the pasta, rice or grains to become tender. It makes it easier to estimate how much pasta, rice or grain to add so you may avoid turning your soup into a pot of cement. Finally this technique helps you avoid burned soup as grains and pasta tend to stick to the bottom of the pot and scorch.

C. Add ingredients to your soup pot in the order of which will take the longest to cook.

 

 

 

Do you use Veganaise, Fakin’bacon or Tofurella?

The Vegan Tyranny

We tolerate intolerance

As Bob Dylan says, “You always have to serve somebody.” We serve and obey four or five hundred of our closest friends everyday. Humans are Omnivores. It seems that as a succesful organism we can adapt to practically any food source. What does that mean? Some interpret it to mean they can eat everything. Yet in a world of choices some people interpret this result of evolution as an opportunity to evolve spiritually and meta-physically through a host of rigid dietary restrictions. With so many real or imagined dietary restrictions we try to help everyone, the gluten intolerant, the lactose intolerant, the pre-diabetic, the vegetarian and of course the vegan tyrant…

You will find that all of our soups are gluten free. It was easier than we thought to eliminate wheat from our soups and important for a segment of our customers with true Celiac disease or a bothersome intolerance to gluten. We suggest that taking these restrictive requests as a cooks challenge. Can you make a chowder without seafood, wheat, potatoes or dairy products? See below for our best efforts.

Among our other soups you will find whole classes that accommodate special diets. Take for instance the Cold creamed Mackerel soup for that rare person who believes they are descended from Atlantic mermen…

 

Not the Harvard Onion

The Onion.

We try to please our customers, god we try. If they want bread without wheat we’ll make it, Pizza without wheat or cheese? You want what? Ah, yes sir, no problem. We’ll even make you a “Why bother” Latte’. That would be a double decaf Latte’ with nonfat milk and sugar free vanilla syrup. Why bother?

We have one customer with a challenged appetite who has quized us quite often. One day he said, “I love your soups but onions make me gassy. Can’t you make some of your soups onion free?” In this rare case it was without hesitation that we replied decisively, No.

A fresh onion is hard and crispy like an apple. There is a satisfying resonance when pulling a knife blade through it. The onion has sustained civilizations. Ulysses S. Grant would not move his army without onions. Abe Lincoln had to send him three train cars full to get the civil war off to a good start. In Egypt the onion was a symbol of eternity because of its circular design. The bulb shaped dome and pointy top of the Russian Orthodox Church is designed after the onion. Captain Cook would not set sail from England until his sailors had each eaten twenty pounds of onions.

A few favorite quotes;

“Life is like an onion.
 You peel it off one layer at a time;
 And sometimes you weep.”
—Carl Sandburg, American poet

“For this is every cook’s opinion, No savory dish without an onion; But lest your kissing should be spoiled, Your onions should be thoroughly boiled.”
—Jonathon Swift, Irish satirist

“It’s probably illegal to make soups, stews, and casseroles without plenty of onions.”
— Maggie Waldron

“The onion and its satin wrappings is among the most beautiful of vegetables and is the only one that represents the essence of things. It can be said to have a soul.”
— My Summer in a Garden by Charles Dudley Warner